We’re Married, Now What?

We stood in our new home’s kitchen, fully dressed in our wedding attire!  Feeling in awe by all that happened during our “big day”. 

So now what? I asked. 

I guess we stay here, he responded. 

Oh,

You see what happened was… we had been planning this “wedding” for 18 months.  The day had come and gone.  Our ceremony was at 10:00 AM, followed by reception 12:00PM – 5:00 PM. & here we now stood wondering what’s next. Well, we knew what was next… get your mind out of the gutter… but after that!  Lol

So busy planning the “perfect fairy-tale wedding” and forgetting about what’s next. 

What was next for me was…

 I was going to be driving “home” to a husband now.  Not stopping at my aunt’s house, which was 10 min. from my job to get spoiled by her cooking and attention of making me feel welcomed home, but driving the 45 min to my “home” & do that for someone else. (I wanted to check up on her every day, see I was the last to leave “home”)

I wasn’t going to be able to bring home papers to grade in my bed every night. It was our bed, now.  Someone else occupied that side now. (Seriously people, one night he got fed up and asked me to pack up all of the papers, talking about germs in our bed.) LOL

I couldn’t just leave work and continue on to my graduate school class twice a week grabbing something along the away.  I actually had to call “home” and say “I’ll see you after 10 PM tonight”. (Hey not his fault… that my plans had been to finish grad school before marriage, I had said “yes” when he asked, LOL)

So, he doesn’t like me opening his mail, (but my aunt did?)

What was next for him was…

Well, I guess I have to go home after work right away.  She doesn’t like being all the way up there by herself on the days she is not in class.  (Not her fault that, my job is over an hour away from our “home”; but I hate to sit in traffic!)

So, she’s really tight with her church family, and is not going to join mine.

So, she’s not okay with, me showing up at the house with something that we hadn’t discussed first.  (What women doesn’t like a new car, …not mine)

Need I continue… can you tell already that some of this was some point of frustration that caused some very loud conversations, or no conversations. (my truth.. authenticity..)

We spend so much time speaking about the wedding day and not enough time talking about the day to day life that is about to take place.  We ignore the tale; tale signs of arguments to come.  We make assumptions, it will all work out.  No, it won’t.  Let’s lay it all out.  Let’s talk about what happens when we return from the honeymoon, NOW before the “big day”.

Let’s talk about, you know my parents really depended on me, how are WE going to manage that.

You know that job you have just isn’t going to work now that WE are married.

Some discussion points before the big day:

1. Family obligations (My parents, when are we visiting them?)
2. Outstanding debt (Who has them & what’s the plan to paying them off?)
3. Children? (Do we want them, if so when, how many, what if they don’t come?)
4. Am I keeping my name (I struggled with that one for a while; I am the oldest of 3 girls, I wanted to keep my daddy’s name; Wilnia Fleurmond-Aristilde was very long )
5. Work hours & Location (what is the commute going to be like from our new spot?)
6. House? Apartment? Staying put at one of our parents? How long? Mortgage vs. Rent? Credit Scores?
7. Church? Religion?
8. Bank account/bill sharing?  Accounts 1? Accounts 2? Joint?
9. Division of household labor (what do you mean I have to wash the dishes? My mom uses to do that, what do you mean the grass needs to be cut, my pops use to do that)?
10. Sex? (Now that we will be married what’s the plan to keep it spiced up?)
11. Pipe Dreams? (I know you have seen “Acrimony” by Tyler Perry) (you know baby; I believe in you… but you see right now we need TWO income)
12. What ticks you off? Deal breakers? Non-negotiable? (The man did not like me opening his mail)
13. Privacy?

Please open up the discussion with your intended spouse.  Those listed above are just some that can put a road block in that “picket fenced” façade.  No one gets married planning to divorce, so cover as many topics as you possibly can and be honest, even when it’s uncomfortable, unsexy, and awkward.  Once it’s all out of the way, you’ll be glad and saved from a lot of heartaches.

Authentically yours,

Wilnia

Mom2Greg&Emmie